A Con of a Date: Women Are Not the New Therapists!

Dating can feel like a high-stakes game of chance. You don’t know what you're walking into, and sometimes, the “great guy” you’ve been talking to turns out to be something... well, different than expected.

Recently. I met a guy who checked some great boxes: he worked in something tying heavily into racial inclusivity, had a close-knit family, and even had some athletic hobbies like hockey. But after giving him a few chances through conversation to paint himself in a glorious light, actually you know, insert me into the conversation, I realized that I wasn’t on a date—I was on a therapy session.

Here’s the thing: I don’t mind a bit of self-disclosure. In fact, I believe that a lot of personal sharing is a vital part of dating. Of course we want to feel like we know who we're seeing. But there’s a fine line between sharing a story and using your date as a free sounding board for your endless word vomit. Sadly, that’s exactly what happened with this guy.

When we first met up on this date, he was charming. He had come from a great day of playing hockey at the rink, and the high school girl in me still in select instances, still loved a guy post sport/workout. He had a lot to say and was engaging. But before long, the conversation started to veer into some non-date territory. We went from hockey stories to him recounting this fraternity horror story about dodging "cum-filled condoms" and black sewage, to an unasked-for account of how he dealt with a rat problem in his apartment— one time by flaming the rat with a spray can and lighter, no less.

To say I was shocked and offput is an understatement. I tried to insert myself into the conversation, hoping to steer it in a less awkward direction, but he didn’t seem to notice. Every time I spoke, it felt like I was talking at a wall, with the conversation quickly cycling back to him. The whole night felt like I was just there for him to talk at, not to talk with. And no matter how many times I politely tried to steer the conversation elsewhere, he just kept on. The most romantic part of the night was when he boxed up my food.

At some point, I realized: this guy needs a therapist, not a date. I tossed that option out there, and apparently he's either sought help or is seeking. I wasn’t there to help him process his frat trauma or discuss his rat-slaying adventures. And a truly sucky part? He didn’t even seem to notice that he hadn’t learned a thing about me. He was interested in unloading his issues on anyone who would listen.

By the end of the date, he basically told me that he had a great time and was thankful that I’d “listened.” Like that was my role: the unpaid therapist. A few years ago, I might have been flattered by his gratitude. I loved to be a hero, because I expected eventually I would find someone who would be my own hero, champion me. At 24, having been hurt and lost a lot of time spent on dating, I was just annoyed. I did not sign up for this.

It got me thinking about how important it is to spot these “therapy sessions” early and remove yourself before you waste any more time. If I’m being honest, this whole date was a lesson in boundary-setting and recognizing when I’m being used for someone else’s emotional venting. I shouldn’t have waited until the end of the night to realize this wasn’t working.

There’s a new con that some men seem to be running these days: taking women out just to have a “pretty face” to talk at. It's not about sharing a meaningful conversation or getting to know the woman—they just want someone to absorb their emotional baggage. And the worst part? They often don’t even realize they’re doing it.

As women, we’re often expected to be emotional caretakers, and it’s easy to fall into the trap of trying to be “nice” or “understanding” by letting someone talk at us. But that’s not fair. Dating should be a mutual exchange where both people are actively engaged in learning about one another. If it feels one-sided, it probably is. It's up to you if you want to clue the person in on your side of things. I have/did, and with a new understanding, he's not out the picture. Dating is about finding a good fit. Being able to talk about this kind of thing is a green flag. It's not about throwing them a "you" storm: You did this, I didn't like when you did this, is likely to spark defensive mode, which is a totally human reaction. I always try to feed information like the same way I would want to taste it: either lightly and to the point, or in savory detail. Both drizzled in gentleness.

I’ve decided on a new rule: the “three-strike rule.” If a date gives you three weird, uncomfortable, or concerning moments without making an effort to change or understand why you’re uncomfortable, call it out and move on. If they still don’t get it, then it’s time to go. There’s no need to stick around for a therapy session unless that’s what you signed up for—and I didn’t. In dating, like in life, it’s better to make an abrupt exit than waste your time and energy on someone who isn’t willing to meet you halfway. Trust your gut, set your boundaries, and don’t let anyone treat you like their unpaid therapist. There are better conversations and better dates ahead—don’t let one awkward encounter derail your standards.Remember, your time is valuable. And it’s time we stop letting people take advantage of that.

In a world where societal norms often place men at the center of attention in relationships, work, and culture, it's easy to fall into the trap of putting others' needs before your own. But as women, it’s time to take a step back and reconsider how we prioritize ourselves. Decentering men doesn’t mean disregarding or devaluing men altogether; it’s about shifting the focus back to you and your own needs, desires, and ambitions. This shift is crucial for fostering self-respect, emotional health, and overall well-being. Here's a guide with five steps to help you decenter men and reclaim your space.

1. Your Priorities/Life Schedule Always Come First

The first step in decentering men is to take a hard look at how you’re currently spending your time and energy. Are you focusing too much on men—whether that’s in romantic relationships, friendships, or at work? Are you constantly adjusting your schedule, feelings, or behavior to accommodate others? It’s easy to get wrapped up in pleasing others, but what about your needs?

Start by asking yourself:

• What do I need right now, emotionally, mentally, and physically?

• How can I prioritize my goals, dreams, and well-being over people-pleasing?

• Do I make space for self-care and personal growth outside of relationships with men?

By recalibrating your priorities, you can begin to focus on nurturing yourself instead of revolving your life around the men in your orbit.

2. Set Boundaries and Stick to Them

Healthy boundaries are essential when it comes to decentering men. When you allow others—whether friends, family, or romantic partners—to overstep, you place their needs before your own. Boundaries aren’t just about saying “no” to others; they’re about saying “yes” to yourself. That's also why there's the slight redemption oppurtunity when you represent your boundaries. Sometimes people have no idea how they come off, no one's ever told them. Maybe they're just really comfortable with you or lack a filter and need to know what isn't acceptable in your world. It's all about the potential of two worlds colliding and healthily meshing. I'm a big advocate on learning how to teach others how to treat you. I'm no pro yet, but progress is progress.

Start by clearly defining what you need in your relationships and what you won’t tolerate. For example:

• If a man expects you to drop everything to accommodate him, say no.

• If you feel like your time is constantly being consumed by men, protect your schedule and make time for your personal interests.

• Communicate your boundaries calmly but firmly, and expect respect in return.

The more you practice setting and maintaining boundaries, the easier it becomes to prioritize your own needs without feeling guilty.

3.Operate From Self-Love and Independence

The foundation of decentering men starts with loving and valuing yourself. It’s important to recognize that you’re whole, worthy, and complete on your own, whether you’re in a relationship or not. In fact, it's always better to be solo than in bad company. This shift in perspective will help you stop seeking validation through the approval or attention of men.

To cultivate self-love and independence:

• Make time for things that bring you joy, like hobbies, travel, or exploring new interests.

• Focus on building your career, education, or personal projects that excite and fulfill you.

• Spend time with friends who empower you and encourage your growth.

• Learn to enjoy your own company without relying on the presence of a man to feel validated.

  
  

When you start centering yourself, you become less dependent on external validation, including from men. This builds self-confidence and helps you foster relationships based on mutual respect, not neediness.

4. Challenge Societal Expectations and Media Representation

In many cultures, the idea of a woman’s life revolving around a man is ingrained in the way we’re raised and portrayed in the media. Movies, books, and social expectations often present men as the central figures in women’s stories. Decentering men means rejecting the notion that women’s happiness or worth is defined by a relationship with them.

Challenge these narratives by:

• Seeking out media, books, and films where women are the main characters and where their lives, achievements, and desires aren’t defined by men.

• Questioning traditional gender roles in your personal life and rejecting outdated ideas like “waiting for the one” or “playing the supportive partner.”

• Celebrating female independence and the power of solo pursuits.

By diversifying the way you view relationships in media and real life, you can stop seeing men as the center of your narrative and begin to recognize the importance of your story.

5. Reframe Your Dating and Relationship Dynamics

If you’re in a romantic relationship, it’s important to evaluate whether the dynamic is balanced. Does it feel like your life revolves around him? Is his happiness prioritized over your own? If so, it’s time for a shift.

Steps to reframe your dating dynamics:

• Take the time to understand your own needs and desires in a relationship, not just his.

• Set clear expectations with your partner about what you need in terms of time, respect, and emotional support.

• Engage in relationships where there is reciprocity—where both partners are equally invested and where you feel valued and heard.

When you decenter men in relationships, you start to approach dating with a sense of self-worth, knowing that you are a complete individual who deserves love, respect, and attention, not just from him but from yourself first.

Final Thoughts: The Power of You & Decentering Men

By decentering men, you aren’t rejecting them or pushing them out of your life. Instead, you are reclaiming your autonomy and space. You’re learning to show up for yourself, prioritize your own needs, and thrive as an individual. As you do this, you’ll find that your relationships with men (and everyone else) become healthier and more fulfilling. When you stop letting men occupy the center of your universe, you start living your life fully and authentically, and that’s the most powerful thing you can do.

So take a breath, recalibrate, and start centering yourself.

You’re worth it.

Photos sourced from Pinterest.