Is Your Loved One a Narcissist?

Knowing signs, setting boundaries.

Upon sharing my personal experience, I have also included words from this site: https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/am-i-dating-a-narcissist

Let me first start out by saying, narcissism is NOT just what Shrek shows you with Prince Charming. The prince, he's a blatant narcissistic bad guy. It's obvious he cares about only himself and maybe, his mother, but without her granting his every wish, I wonder how he'd treat her then...

Narcissism comes in many people, ways, and forms. It can show up in multiple people actually, because it's more of a spectrum. I'll list some traits and if you see a couple that align with you have no fear, even if you check every one off the list, change is possible! It comes from within though, no one can want it or do it more for you than you, which brings me to the first point.

The Person Never or Occasionally Sees any Wrongdoing in their Behavior.

Whatever bad things they do to you, happen because of you, whatever negative things they implant in your head, are deserved.

Using Others For Personal Gain

To make this post easy, I'll tether it to my most recent relationships final end. I say final, because there was a part two to this madness, my ex told me when we went on a break I needed to change, and I did, so when he came back around (he made it seem like he wasn't, he sent a female in his place to harass me into letting him go during part one of our relationship which is another form of narcissism: having people do their dirty work because you are too lazy or scared to handle it on their own), I expected he'd done the same.

Active lying/gaslighting

The part two of our relationship was shorter than part one but in retrospect was still way too long, because in recent self reflection the red flags were laid out in front of me just the same as the first time.

His gaslighting effects:

influenced an unhappy version of me I didn't recognize

somehow always ended with me apologizing

often had me feeling anxious due to lack of trust

made me believe stories/accusations I were almost certain were true were in fact, not, at least until proven

He loved me when he wanted to. In part two he couldn't even say it, because as a narcissist he didn't want me, he wanted my success, my newly found power. He would always give me "maybes" and "we'll sees", never certainty or security. In less than a year I turned my life around with no help from him, of course he's going to wonder how life's so good to me, and its only natural for the jealous and uncertain to try and rip that away. He would continuously give me pointers on how to further improve my life, while not being able to take any tips for his, he shot down my ideas frequently.

In arguments (usually caused by me sharing feelings he asked about) whenever I was on to something he would raise his voice, call me names, verbally abuse me by saying whatever he could to hurt me, so he could stay on top, so his ego stood.

Somehow I still let him come and visit me. A couple times. Each time his phone was rarely in the same room as him. If it was it was on airplane mode. He only used it for music and maps when we went on a ride, and even as I was navigating him I could see his eyes continuously flicker over to me to make sure I wasn't checking on anything else. Wholesome.

I came to visit him back in my old home state once as well to find out his mom had no idea I was there. I was snuck in his back door like a dirty secret, and even then we still ended up running into her. Lies. Lies. More lies. I finally asked him the last time he came down to see me why he kept treating me like this, like I was going to keep staying, waiting around? Simple answer? "You always do." How an honest answer could sting like a lie, I'm not sure, but at the same time it was also like a chiropractic visit, I was finally realigned. He got tired of all those masks I kept asking about, and now I was set free, because I was no longer going to keep waiting.

In continuation with the traits, when he would take credit he blamed his own mistakes on non officially diagnosed mental illness/ took no action to change for the better

After degrading me in arguments, he would compensate with gifts. food and trips

He was totally unrecognizable with his friends- He'd claim all this mental illness stuff was preventing him from changing, getting better, and yet on video games which he played every single day, and in person, there were no signs. In fact he was always laughing and happy, leading me to believe part ones end was in fact all my fault, but I later read and found out narcissists aren't criminals wearing orange, they laugh like everyone else, cry, feel, like everyone else. They aren't bad people either, in my darkest days, I aligned with most topics hit in the site I listed above, but the difference between him and I was when we said were taking time off to change and grow, I actually did that, while he went off to fill the void inside or with other girls. Not the healthiest coping mechanism in my mind, but everyone is different. One thing's for sure, if you're wondering why you're life is the way it is, do what I did, and look at your routine. What do you do every day? Stay on your phone for most of it? Then don't ask where the time went. You lie to everyone and wonder why you're alone? Well the answers in the question friend. You think no one will figure out who you are just because you don't know? Life will keep slapping you in the face until you grab it by the hair and throat punch that bish okay? Okay, moving on.

He liked making me think I was wrong all the time

He shat on my dream-frequently. With this narcissists are a 50/50 coin. My ex would tell me often I "had potential" just to tell me why I should do this over this, why I was wrong about that, poking holes in it. Let your dreams be yours. You get one life. Why would you hand the reigns to someone else? They have their own lives to tell they own selves what to do, and clearly that's not going well, since now they think they can do it to you. Confident people create more confidence in others. Insecure people create vortexes of drama and uncertainty, and if you aren't mindful, you can get stuck there in that black hole.

He lured me in the beginning, to turn into a person I didn't even recognize, and when they sense it's the end, try and do it again. They know how you like to be touched, what matters to you. If you let them, if you leave your hearts door open they will keep coming in, stealing ,breaking and vandalizing it. The person who needs to stop the cycle is you. No one said it'll be easy, I'm just now figuring this out after 2 years, it'll take time and practice, but this is homework for yourself, to get to a better, stronger level.

Setting Boundaries

Out of state

I'm lucky. I no longer live under his roof, or in the same state. I can walk out my door and come home not tethered to him.

I tried setting boundaries on FaceTime or on the Phone, that's iffy, they may verbally table flip you and spin it to make it look like you have an attitude, or are being mean, aka giving them a reason to reject the information and lash out.

I tried doing it in person. The last time he came up I had requests and boundaries and he would have rather left than given me honest answers, converted about it like an adult would.

The last option was to text him. For me I had final questions, but wasn't planning on remaining close with him. I had no ill wishes for him, but needed better energy, and he had after all loved telling me how I deserved better, though it usually would be after me communicating I didn't like something he said or did, aka guilt tripping, aka a narccisistic trait. I sent a text asking them a while ago and ironically, as I sat down to write this, he sent me answers. I haven't listened to them, because this came first, spreading what I know now before he came to try and either be sappy or abusive came first because I already know the answers. I've always known, but didn't trust myself, and more importantly loved my ex so much I didn't care because I was sure Forever was enough time to "make" him love me like I loved him, but there is no "make" darling. You make the choice to ignore the signs, or do something about it, but whatever the decision, you'll know you have at least one friend here that supports you, and wishes you joyful spirits and a happy wellbeing.

In State

Prepare what you're going to say before you say it. Write it down. Read it all the way through. Even if they talk or yell over you. If they tell you to shut up, stop talking entirely, literally until YOU feel like it, not when they tell you. If they won't listen, why speak? If you live elsewhere, taking a break is a good place to start. It forces them to look at the bigger picture. Can I change for the better? If they "can't" (Won't), consider yourself lucky, now you have the chance to rekindle your love for you. And once you get used to it you'll know more about you; your needs, wants, dreams, all of that.

If it gets violent

18+

1-800-799-7233 is the Domestic Violence Hotline. If you're in their home: Exit and run to a safe space, if you're in a vehicle, wait until you're stopped in a familiar location and for a stop sign/red light, exit vehicle, find a safe space. If abuse is regular and there are people around, bring it to their attention, the world will not watch you in unsafe situations, but you need to ask for help. Once safe, call a friend/family member to get you to a safe location.

18-

Call a parent/friend, to bring you to a safe place

Call the hotline

If it isn't obvious violent happenings should result in immediate termination of the break up, but I'm not you. All I can do is hope that with this knowledge, you'll do what's healthiest for you.